Resisting Apathy

I find that, strangely, the biggest battle as of late is fighting off a sort of spiritual apathy. Spiritual, not in the religious sense, but in terms of the alleged spiritual realm and the claims made of it. The vigor and momentum that spurred me one in pursuit of the truth is rather quiet recently. I want to learn more, to know more, to understand, to find the truth as best we can know it. But at the same time, there is a laziness that pulls me backward. Questions, or rather, backward impulses, that seem to bog me down. There is so much to learn and I'll probably never be a true expert without some sort of science education, so it begs the question: Why try to learn at all?

Pictured above: Knowledge.

I'm a very impulsive, mood driven person. I'm slow to commit to things because I'm also extremely cautious. I like to be sure that I'm right, sure that I'm not wasting my time. Oh, how I hate wasted time.

The problem, as I see it, is that perfect efficiency is impossible, being human, so wasted time is an inevitability. If I try to do anything, I will likely spend a good deal of effort on things that bring me no closer to that thing. This discourages me and causes me to shut down, to back away and try my hand at something I can definitely succeed at. (Like ending a sentence with a preposition).

This is, of course, a foolish way to intentionally proceed through life as you will get nothing done. You will never be perfectly efficient at something new, and there will always be a learning curve. You will always bumble your way toward efficiency and never truly attain it because you are still a human being. I guess I'm giving myself advice, if only it would take in a more effective manner.

I like reading about Darwinian Evolution to educate myself on the science and undo all the misinformation I was fed growing up. (Which is just about everything I thought I knew of Evolution, by the way). I still have the natural reflex that dismisses any and all scientific opinions as simply not understanding God enough, then I remember that no one understands God, not even the theistic experts. Everyone is just fucking guessing there way through life, convincing themselves their faith is true through repetitive exposure and then taking a stance against measurable truth because it just doesn't add up to them.

Pictured above: Evolution.

I hate that goddamn mentality. Such complete, voluntary blindness. There is absolutely no reason to think that way, but those folk are nonetheless entirely convinced. To the point of violence or at least vehement objection. It's mind boggling.

I got a little off track here, so let's return to my original topic: apathy. I really want to learn, I really want to know everything and the sheer amount of knowledge I still don't have so overwhelms me that instead I am pulled toward inaction. Why climb Everest equipped with naught but lonely pickaxe? At least, that's how it feels at the bottom.

I also feel somewhat stagnated by having announced my recent conclusions. It seems as though the pressure to remain consistent under scrutinizing eye adversely affects the freedom to simply spill thoughts onto the page. I guess that's another Everest for another time.

Pictured above: Horrendous Analogy

I've been reading a lot, expanding a lot, learning a lot, but still feel like I've progressed very little. Also, life itself gets in the way. Work, school, responsibilities all seem to cloud the mind and make unfettered intellectual absorption a thing nearly out of reach. After all, who wants to come home from a day of work, or school, or whatever and force your brain to tread into the, as far as it is concerned, uncharted waters of Science. It's extremely tiring and a tough thing to keep moving.

There's that damn perfectionism creeping in and making me feel like shit for not doing enough. I really think that is one of the most bittersweet things I've taken from religion. The push to rid myself of defects. It's not terribly healthy to always obsess about being perfect, but on the other hand, when channeled into ambition it can lead to terrific successes. One must learn to hold on, to pressure oneself while still leaving room to breath. Like a compassionate boa constrictor.

Pictured above: Solid Parenting.

I feel that this blog is one of my best way to keep myself motivated. I don't really care if people judge or criticize, I'm not really concerned with the scrutinizing eye, I don't really even care about defending my position. I simply want to be informed for my own peace of mind. This blog is a good place to hash through some of the challenges, condemning as they may be, for the overall good of the Truth.