Atheism is a scary word, but it shouldn't be.
After all, if you don't believe in something because you are unconvinced, then why should that be so evil?
In my missionary days, I used to look at atheists with such scorn. They were clearly rebelling against God, and more than anything, they were shortsighted. If God is above man, then why should man try to prove him with science? That would be like fish being convinced that monkey's don't exist because they haven't seen any in the ocean. God, it is said, exists outside of the human realm and must be taken on faith, not science.
Of course, the one glaring flaw in this argument is in the origin of said belief. If God exists outside of human knowledge, then how do we know about him in the first place? Did he break the rules of faith and make himself visible? Did he speak audibly? Did he possess someone so they could speak for him? Whatever it is, can you prove how you know that to be true?
And this is where atheism takes over. No, they can't prove it. None of them can, but nonetheless, it is I, or rather We, the atheists who are scorned. Just because you feel something and think it is God, does not make it so. Just because something cool happens in your life does not make it divine intervention. Cool things happen to atheists too, atheists also have good feelings from time to time (when we're not eating babies, that is). So again, one can choose to apply a cause or an explanation wherever they wish, but some of us need it to be more definitive than that.
Society frowns on those who are different. I don't think it's much different to be an atheist now than it was to be anti-slavery a hundred fifty years ago, in the south anyway. Take for example, the King of Douchebags:
This is an old video, but it supports my point, so deal with it. It's somehow "offensive" to have the opposite opinion of the majority. You're not even permitted to disagree without people demanding you be silenced. This is the limit of free speech, say whatever you want unless it pisses someone off, then they can shut you up. Fortunately for reason and free thought, they were not silenced on this occasion. But notice how King Douche demands that the Governor focus on this free speech issue instead of the working to get people's jobs back. Just because there is an atheist message. This is the power of the stigma.
Nevermind that they want a religious display (nativity scene) on state property, they get all huffy and pissy when someone tells them that they are wrong. Freedom means the power to decide for yourself. It's not a Theocracy, it's not a police state, and people are usually more than happy to proclaim freedom until it means someone behaving in a way they don't approve of. This is true on both sides of the fence.
My personal opinion is that such attacks stem from the personal insecurity of the believer. If you could somehow KNOW that you were right, then it wouldn't matter if people disagreed. You might roll your eyes, or be annoyed at their blindness, but you wouldn't need to silence them. Anger in this case is a reaction to being threatened. This, of course, only strengthens the atheist position. There really is no reason at all to believe, except the desire for their to be something bigger than ourselves. But wishing a thing does not make it so.
The extremes of fanatical belief and forcing your own fantasies on others is very clearly seen in Texas and North Carolina in their State laws. It is actually illegal to hold public office if you do not profess a belief in a Supreme Being. Freedom of Religion my ass. Apparently, religion is free as long as you have one, but should you decide that there isn't actually any reason to believe in a Supreme Being, well, then...Ostracized!
You don't really see this with anything else do you? For people that believe crystals have magic powers, you aren't condemned for not blindly embracing it along with them. If you say that you're skeptical that UFO's visited Joe Bob last weekend, you can still be open about it. Same goes for crop circles, cryptozoology, alternative medicine, etc.
So why then, is being an atheist so much worse? If it's the exact same principle of withholding belief until the evidence is in, then what can possibly be so evil about it?
My brief theory is that Christians don't actually hate atheists, they see it as a foolish thing in the face of, as far as they're concerned, overwhelming proof of God's supernatural existence. They don't mind the odd atheist here and there, what gets them up in arms is when we atheists band together and try to make changes. Freedom of religion is fine until someone believes something different and gathers a large group of support. Let alone place opposite viewpoints next to your mythical nativity scenes.
The good news is that atheism seems to be growing. There are many closeted atheists who hide from the very stigma I'm talking about, but more and more they find that there are groups of people like them, where they are safe to ask questions and not believe.
Anyone reading who is looking for places like this, here are a few that I like:
www.ffrf.org
http://www.atheists.org/
http://new.exchristian.net/
http://www.atheistalliance.org/
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
How Could I Fall Away?
I am an atheist. I once was a Christian. Atheism is defined as someone who "lacks a belief in a god." It is not a definitive statement on god's existence, because no one can know such a thing. Rather it is simply the absence of a belief that others share. Much in the way that many of us are atheists about the Roman gods, or little green men, or Baal. It's not saying for sure they don't exist, but perhaps a bit presumptuous, we do feel we have a pretty good idea.
I spend quite a lot of my time these days thinking on religious and spiritual things. Initially, Atheism was a very hard first step, like pulling a boot of the mud. How could I turn my back on something that was such an enormous part of my life? What would people say? What would my family say? Surely I would become the gossip of the month among some of my former circles. People would no doubt speculate, draw baseless conclusions about my motivations, lose respect for me, rule me irrelevant to their lives, condemn criticize. After all, this was the community where I grew up, they walked me through some difficult times (and created some of their own).
How do you leave all you've ever known for something you've always shunned?
It's hard not to see myself with those eyes of old, as the straying sinner, the rebellious intellectual, the defiant, blind, faithless atheist. This is how I used to see people like myself. I was so critical of change, of people who doubted and acted on those doubts. I would say "How can someone do that? how can they have been so deeply in and still fall out?" Needless to say, I don't really consider that a mystery anymore.
How could I fall away?
It's damn near impossible to pinpoint the transition, but there were certainly some major factors involved, all of them personal, most of them internal.
I was extremely gung-ho about Christianity. It was the only source of truth. It was needed by all. It brought hope, salvation, light, love that the world could not offer. It was founded on a Rock and could not be destroyed. It promised an all knowing, all loving, all wise creator who knew the intimate details of my heart and did not judge me, but accepted me as I was (depending on the age of the testament). It was so wonderful, and so right, so overwhelmingly apparent. Who would reject it?
Well, in short, me. Or rather, people exactly like me. People who prefer to think for themselves, to question what they're instructed, to doubt what cannot be shown. I've always questioned things, as long as I can remember, though admittedly, never quite as vigorously as I do at the present. It was like I had that nagging voice that would go, "wait, you what? You heard God say what? That seems an awful lot like what you wanted him to say" or "Is that what this verse means really? How are you so sure?" or in later times, "Exactly what is this particular belief based on? I haven't read about it in the Bible" to "Well, what is any of this based on? Who was the original trustworthy source?"
I've talked a lot about these types of questions. The doubts that lead to greater doubts that lead to rejecting the faith. But if you haven't experienced these doubts yourself, or were never religious in the first place, then it may be hard to understand them.
So, think of it like a dam. Christianity sees itself very often in this way. They stand in the way of the river that is the World. The world would have things free of morality and standards and would simply run a muck with their cocks out while Christians keep things righteous and pleasing to God. It's much easier to understand if you realize that it's an us versus them mentality. It's about taking a side, not so much about seeking the truth. It's about resisting the flow of the water, remaining firm, unflinching, decided. There's no room for wishy-washy thinking, you are either committed or you're out because, dammitall, this is war.
If it's war, then you can't have soldiers questioning their senior officers decisions. You can't attack the beliefs of your government or your country, not while you're fighting. That's peace time talk, and when you're a Christian, there is no peace time. Urgency clouds judgment as all souls must be shown the light and quickly before the clock strikes zero. No one wants blood on their hands (unless it belongs to an atheist). There is no time to quibble over intricate philosophical or doctrinal differences, what matters is that people need to be saved. Can the existence of Jesus be proved? Well, reasonably enough for some. It doesn't really matter. People simply need to get to know Him and that's it. Who cares if the actual history is there? That would be like asking for the schematics of umbrellas before guarding yourself from the rain. Just use it already.
This is key to understanding my "fall" and, no doubt, the fall of others. I wouldn't use that word, I would use awakening, or discovery, enlightenment, or something of that sort.
If you stop buying into the urgency and realize that you want to be able to defend your beliefs, then come the questions. Digging leads not to answers, but to more digging and eventually you're through to the other side with naught to show but tired arms. Losing urgency was the first crack in the dam.
Next we have the inconsistency. Many people have a pretty good idea of what Christianity is about, what it means, and what the rules are. But put them in a room and ask them to come up with a list and you'll likely come back to find broken friendships, damaged trust and above all, disagreement. They tend to agree on some of the main points (Jesus sacrifice meant salvation) but then disagree on who exactly benefits from this. Is it a once and for all type of deal or must it be renewed with each transgression? Does it apply to babies or people mentally incapable of understanding? What about remote tribes who never hear? What about genuinely good people? Is it about works or isn't it? Even Paul and James couldn't agree on this point. This is just on the core principle, if you dare to wade into the waters of baptism, communion, morality, you're in for a very exhausting and ultimately unconvincing trip.
Everyone has their own justifications for any belief they hold sacred. There is always a verse that can be bent around anything. The same exact verse can mean two opposite things to two separate people. And yet, even disagreeing on core beliefs, they will still both call themselves Christians and more often than not, will reject the other persons brand of faith. They are misinformed, rebellious, ignorant, etc.
"You need to go to the Greek or the Hebrew" they say. Well, this is hardly an argument in favor of Christians. After all, if Christ wants everyone (even though they may not), then why not present the message in a way that transcends language? Why forsake the followers that come about after the Greek and Hebrew are no longer spoken? This either seems an incredible lack of foresight from an omniscient being, or implies that it was crafted by people who did not know the future and thus did not account for changing times and cultures. Or maybe there's a third option about how we got it wrong. Or maybe a fourth option that speculates further.
The point of all this is this: nobody knows. There is too much debate and no absolute standard for the truth. Nothing to measure beliefs against. The Bible can be interpreted, the believers can project their own sentiments, the ancients may not have allowed for modern times. Inconsistency is the second crack in the dam.
You don't really need more than one crack, and when you have two as large as these, it's really just a matter of time. Once you lose trust in your faith, you're just treading water until the damn dam breaks.
But there is another crack, which is more like dynamite. This is the crack of incompatibility.
Incompatibility with science. Incompatibility with human nature. Incompatibility with common sense.
There could be an entirely separate blog on this topic alone. (Indeed there are. Plenty.) But the real death knell of my faith came when I started to delve further into Skepticism.
Skepticism is not a position, as some believe. It is not simply saying no to any belief that is suggested. It's not refusing to see, refusing to acknowledge because it doesn't make sense to me. It's a method of obtaining the truth. It goes hand in hand with the Scientific method. It's about ruling out every other explanation before you proclaim something proved. It's about not accepting something because you want it to be true, or because many people already believe it. It's about accepting conclusions that are necessarily true and making no assumptions along the way.
Religion is, understandably, devoid of skepticism for the most part. There is the wandering question here and there, but press too hard and you'll meet antagonistic resistance. Not from all, indeed some people are more than happy to explain their positions, but even their truth has a point where evidence stops and assumptions begin. There is simply no getting around it. They call it faith. I call it guessing.
The overwhelming (this is the correct adjective) evidence for evolution, for an old earth, for an entirely natural universe squashes faith and most religious beliefs on these topics like an elephant a mouse. Even more so, because even a mouse offers some resistance. It's more akin to anything squashing a nothing. If this concept can even be imagined. Even air isn't good enough, because there are still pesky molecules in the way. There is literally zero evidence in favor of a young earth and all the rest of the world points to an old earth. So either God is a crafty bastard, or creationist read too much into the text.
Losing urgency, inconsistency, incompatibility. You've done busted yer dam. No foundation, no universal morality, no absolute truth (there are some, but no single all encompassing absolute). When you realize, when it dawns on you, that you've been holding onto nothing, then not only is it easy to let go, but you, by definition, already have.
I fell away because I discovered it wasn't real. It took some time, some internal battles, some pride, some resistance, but ultimately logical thinking won out.
Thank God for that, at least.
 |
| I'm pretty sure Invisible Pink Unicorns aren't real either. |
I spend quite a lot of my time these days thinking on religious and spiritual things. Initially, Atheism was a very hard first step, like pulling a boot of the mud. How could I turn my back on something that was such an enormous part of my life? What would people say? What would my family say? Surely I would become the gossip of the month among some of my former circles. People would no doubt speculate, draw baseless conclusions about my motivations, lose respect for me, rule me irrelevant to their lives, condemn criticize. After all, this was the community where I grew up, they walked me through some difficult times (and created some of their own).
How do you leave all you've ever known for something you've always shunned?
It's hard not to see myself with those eyes of old, as the straying sinner, the rebellious intellectual, the defiant, blind, faithless atheist. This is how I used to see people like myself. I was so critical of change, of people who doubted and acted on those doubts. I would say "How can someone do that? how can they have been so deeply in and still fall out?" Needless to say, I don't really consider that a mystery anymore.
 |
| Even The Fray Fall Away. |
How could I fall away?
It's damn near impossible to pinpoint the transition, but there were certainly some major factors involved, all of them personal, most of them internal.
I was extremely gung-ho about Christianity. It was the only source of truth. It was needed by all. It brought hope, salvation, light, love that the world could not offer. It was founded on a Rock and could not be destroyed. It promised an all knowing, all loving, all wise creator who knew the intimate details of my heart and did not judge me, but accepted me as I was (depending on the age of the testament). It was so wonderful, and so right, so overwhelmingly apparent. Who would reject it?
Well, in short, me. Or rather, people exactly like me. People who prefer to think for themselves, to question what they're instructed, to doubt what cannot be shown. I've always questioned things, as long as I can remember, though admittedly, never quite as vigorously as I do at the present. It was like I had that nagging voice that would go, "wait, you what? You heard God say what? That seems an awful lot like what you wanted him to say" or "Is that what this verse means really? How are you so sure?" or in later times, "Exactly what is this particular belief based on? I haven't read about it in the Bible" to "Well, what is any of this based on? Who was the original trustworthy source?"
I've talked a lot about these types of questions. The doubts that lead to greater doubts that lead to rejecting the faith. But if you haven't experienced these doubts yourself, or were never religious in the first place, then it may be hard to understand them.
So, think of it like a dam. Christianity sees itself very often in this way. They stand in the way of the river that is the World. The world would have things free of morality and standards and would simply run a muck with their cocks out while Christians keep things righteous and pleasing to God. It's much easier to understand if you realize that it's an us versus them mentality. It's about taking a side, not so much about seeking the truth. It's about resisting the flow of the water, remaining firm, unflinching, decided. There's no room for wishy-washy thinking, you are either committed or you're out because, dammitall, this is war.
 |
| Go ahead. Ask him if God exists. |
If it's war, then you can't have soldiers questioning their senior officers decisions. You can't attack the beliefs of your government or your country, not while you're fighting. That's peace time talk, and when you're a Christian, there is no peace time. Urgency clouds judgment as all souls must be shown the light and quickly before the clock strikes zero. No one wants blood on their hands (unless it belongs to an atheist). There is no time to quibble over intricate philosophical or doctrinal differences, what matters is that people need to be saved. Can the existence of Jesus be proved? Well, reasonably enough for some. It doesn't really matter. People simply need to get to know Him and that's it. Who cares if the actual history is there? That would be like asking for the schematics of umbrellas before guarding yourself from the rain. Just use it already.
This is key to understanding my "fall" and, no doubt, the fall of others. I wouldn't use that word, I would use awakening, or discovery, enlightenment, or something of that sort.
If you stop buying into the urgency and realize that you want to be able to defend your beliefs, then come the questions. Digging leads not to answers, but to more digging and eventually you're through to the other side with naught to show but tired arms. Losing urgency was the first crack in the dam.
Next we have the inconsistency. Many people have a pretty good idea of what Christianity is about, what it means, and what the rules are. But put them in a room and ask them to come up with a list and you'll likely come back to find broken friendships, damaged trust and above all, disagreement. They tend to agree on some of the main points (Jesus sacrifice meant salvation) but then disagree on who exactly benefits from this. Is it a once and for all type of deal or must it be renewed with each transgression? Does it apply to babies or people mentally incapable of understanding? What about remote tribes who never hear? What about genuinely good people? Is it about works or isn't it? Even Paul and James couldn't agree on this point. This is just on the core principle, if you dare to wade into the waters of baptism, communion, morality, you're in for a very exhausting and ultimately unconvincing trip.
Everyone has their own justifications for any belief they hold sacred. There is always a verse that can be bent around anything. The same exact verse can mean two opposite things to two separate people. And yet, even disagreeing on core beliefs, they will still both call themselves Christians and more often than not, will reject the other persons brand of faith. They are misinformed, rebellious, ignorant, etc.
 |
| As described in the letters of Paul. |
"You need to go to the Greek or the Hebrew" they say. Well, this is hardly an argument in favor of Christians. After all, if Christ wants everyone (even though they may not), then why not present the message in a way that transcends language? Why forsake the followers that come about after the Greek and Hebrew are no longer spoken? This either seems an incredible lack of foresight from an omniscient being, or implies that it was crafted by people who did not know the future and thus did not account for changing times and cultures. Or maybe there's a third option about how we got it wrong. Or maybe a fourth option that speculates further.
The point of all this is this: nobody knows. There is too much debate and no absolute standard for the truth. Nothing to measure beliefs against. The Bible can be interpreted, the believers can project their own sentiments, the ancients may not have allowed for modern times. Inconsistency is the second crack in the dam.
You don't really need more than one crack, and when you have two as large as these, it's really just a matter of time. Once you lose trust in your faith, you're just treading water until the damn dam breaks.
But there is another crack, which is more like dynamite. This is the crack of incompatibility.
Incompatibility with science. Incompatibility with human nature. Incompatibility with common sense.
There could be an entirely separate blog on this topic alone. (Indeed there are. Plenty.) But the real death knell of my faith came when I started to delve further into Skepticism.
Skepticism is not a position, as some believe. It is not simply saying no to any belief that is suggested. It's not refusing to see, refusing to acknowledge because it doesn't make sense to me. It's a method of obtaining the truth. It goes hand in hand with the Scientific method. It's about ruling out every other explanation before you proclaim something proved. It's about not accepting something because you want it to be true, or because many people already believe it. It's about accepting conclusions that are necessarily true and making no assumptions along the way.
Religion is, understandably, devoid of skepticism for the most part. There is the wandering question here and there, but press too hard and you'll meet antagonistic resistance. Not from all, indeed some people are more than happy to explain their positions, but even their truth has a point where evidence stops and assumptions begin. There is simply no getting around it. They call it faith. I call it guessing.
The overwhelming (this is the correct adjective) evidence for evolution, for an old earth, for an entirely natural universe squashes faith and most religious beliefs on these topics like an elephant a mouse. Even more so, because even a mouse offers some resistance. It's more akin to anything squashing a nothing. If this concept can even be imagined. Even air isn't good enough, because there are still pesky molecules in the way. There is literally zero evidence in favor of a young earth and all the rest of the world points to an old earth. So either God is a crafty bastard, or creationist read too much into the text.
Losing urgency, inconsistency, incompatibility. You've done busted yer dam. No foundation, no universal morality, no absolute truth (there are some, but no single all encompassing absolute). When you realize, when it dawns on you, that you've been holding onto nothing, then not only is it easy to let go, but you, by definition, already have.
I fell away because I discovered it wasn't real. It took some time, some internal battles, some pride, some resistance, but ultimately logical thinking won out.
Thank God for that, at least.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Resisting Apathy
I find that, strangely, the biggest battle as of late is fighting off a sort of spiritual apathy. Spiritual, not in the religious sense, but in terms of the alleged spiritual realm and the claims made of it. The vigor and momentum that spurred me one in pursuit of the truth is rather quiet recently. I want to learn more, to know more, to understand, to find the truth as best we can know it. But at the same time, there is a laziness that pulls me backward. Questions, or rather, backward impulses, that seem to bog me down. There is so much to learn and I'll probably never be a true expert without some sort of science education, so it begs the question: Why try to learn at all?
I'm a very impulsive, mood driven person. I'm slow to commit to things because I'm also extremely cautious. I like to be sure that I'm right, sure that I'm not wasting my time. Oh, how I hate wasted time.
The problem, as I see it, is that perfect efficiency is impossible, being human, so wasted time is an inevitability. If I try to do anything, I will likely spend a good deal of effort on things that bring me no closer to that thing. This discourages me and causes me to shut down, to back away and try my hand at something I can definitely succeed at. (Like ending a sentence with a preposition).
This is, of course, a foolish way to intentionally proceed through life as you will get nothing done. You will never be perfectly efficient at something new, and there will always be a learning curve. You will always bumble your way toward efficiency and never truly attain it because you are still a human being. I guess I'm giving myself advice, if only it would take in a more effective manner.
I like reading about Darwinian Evolution to educate myself on the science and undo all the misinformation I was fed growing up. (Which is just about everything I thought I knew of Evolution, by the way). I still have the natural reflex that dismisses any and all scientific opinions as simply not understanding God enough, then I remember that no one understands God, not even the theistic experts. Everyone is just fucking guessing there way through life, convincing themselves their faith is true through repetitive exposure and then taking a stance against measurable truth because it just doesn't add up to them.
I hate that goddamn mentality. Such complete, voluntary blindness. There is absolutely no reason to think that way, but those folk are nonetheless entirely convinced. To the point of violence or at least vehement objection. It's mind boggling.
I got a little off track here, so let's return to my original topic: apathy. I really want to learn, I really want to know everything and the sheer amount of knowledge I still don't have so overwhelms me that instead I am pulled toward inaction. Why climb Everest equipped with naught but lonely pickaxe? At least, that's how it feels at the bottom.
I also feel somewhat stagnated by having announced my recent conclusions. It seems as though the pressure to remain consistent under scrutinizing eye adversely affects the freedom to simply spill thoughts onto the page. I guess that's another Everest for another time.
I've been reading a lot, expanding a lot, learning a lot, but still feel like I've progressed very little. Also, life itself gets in the way. Work, school, responsibilities all seem to cloud the mind and make unfettered intellectual absorption a thing nearly out of reach. After all, who wants to come home from a day of work, or school, or whatever and force your brain to tread into the, as far as it is concerned, uncharted waters of Science. It's extremely tiring and a tough thing to keep moving.
There's that damn perfectionism creeping in and making me feel like shit for not doing enough. I really think that is one of the most bittersweet things I've taken from religion. The push to rid myself of defects. It's not terribly healthy to always obsess about being perfect, but on the other hand, when channeled into ambition it can lead to terrific successes. One must learn to hold on, to pressure oneself while still leaving room to breath. Like a compassionate boa constrictor.
I feel that this blog is one of my best way to keep myself motivated. I don't really care if people judge or criticize, I'm not really concerned with the scrutinizing eye, I don't really even care about defending my position. I simply want to be informed for my own peace of mind. This blog is a good place to hash through some of the challenges, condemning as they may be, for the overall good of the Truth.
 |
| Pictured above: Knowledge. |
I'm a very impulsive, mood driven person. I'm slow to commit to things because I'm also extremely cautious. I like to be sure that I'm right, sure that I'm not wasting my time. Oh, how I hate wasted time.
The problem, as I see it, is that perfect efficiency is impossible, being human, so wasted time is an inevitability. If I try to do anything, I will likely spend a good deal of effort on things that bring me no closer to that thing. This discourages me and causes me to shut down, to back away and try my hand at something I can definitely succeed at. (Like ending a sentence with a preposition).
This is, of course, a foolish way to intentionally proceed through life as you will get nothing done. You will never be perfectly efficient at something new, and there will always be a learning curve. You will always bumble your way toward efficiency and never truly attain it because you are still a human being. I guess I'm giving myself advice, if only it would take in a more effective manner.
I like reading about Darwinian Evolution to educate myself on the science and undo all the misinformation I was fed growing up. (Which is just about everything I thought I knew of Evolution, by the way). I still have the natural reflex that dismisses any and all scientific opinions as simply not understanding God enough, then I remember that no one understands God, not even the theistic experts. Everyone is just fucking guessing there way through life, convincing themselves their faith is true through repetitive exposure and then taking a stance against measurable truth because it just doesn't add up to them.
 |
| Pictured above: Evolution. |
I hate that goddamn mentality. Such complete, voluntary blindness. There is absolutely no reason to think that way, but those folk are nonetheless entirely convinced. To the point of violence or at least vehement objection. It's mind boggling.
I got a little off track here, so let's return to my original topic: apathy. I really want to learn, I really want to know everything and the sheer amount of knowledge I still don't have so overwhelms me that instead I am pulled toward inaction. Why climb Everest equipped with naught but lonely pickaxe? At least, that's how it feels at the bottom.
I also feel somewhat stagnated by having announced my recent conclusions. It seems as though the pressure to remain consistent under scrutinizing eye adversely affects the freedom to simply spill thoughts onto the page. I guess that's another Everest for another time.
 |
| Pictured above: Horrendous Analogy |
I've been reading a lot, expanding a lot, learning a lot, but still feel like I've progressed very little. Also, life itself gets in the way. Work, school, responsibilities all seem to cloud the mind and make unfettered intellectual absorption a thing nearly out of reach. After all, who wants to come home from a day of work, or school, or whatever and force your brain to tread into the, as far as it is concerned, uncharted waters of Science. It's extremely tiring and a tough thing to keep moving.
There's that damn perfectionism creeping in and making me feel like shit for not doing enough. I really think that is one of the most bittersweet things I've taken from religion. The push to rid myself of defects. It's not terribly healthy to always obsess about being perfect, but on the other hand, when channeled into ambition it can lead to terrific successes. One must learn to hold on, to pressure oneself while still leaving room to breath. Like a compassionate boa constrictor.
 |
| Pictured above: Solid Parenting. |
I feel that this blog is one of my best way to keep myself motivated. I don't really care if people judge or criticize, I'm not really concerned with the scrutinizing eye, I don't really even care about defending my position. I simply want to be informed for my own peace of mind. This blog is a good place to hash through some of the challenges, condemning as they may be, for the overall good of the Truth.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Push and Pull
I've always found the ocean to serve as a wonderful metaphor for life and it's struggles. Be it with religion, science, self identity, career, marriage, life goals. It's all summed up in the ebb and flow of the tide, the tussle of the waves, the storms, the calm, the life, the death. It has it's own will, it serves no master. The ocean simply is and everything else abides it.
So, as I struggle with my new found lack of belief, I find myself to be for some reason in a hurry to arrive. It doesn't seem to matter how often I remind myself that the struggle is it's own reward, I nevertheless want it to be perpetually behind me. Total complacency is truly the most sought after hell.
So, I've spent a lot of time up to this point fighting to free myself of religion's shackles. Shackles is an entirely appropriate term here. If you think I'm overstating it, then you've clearly never tried to leave a religion.
One of my favorite targets while still within the holy walls was something my dad termed "The Tyranny of the Shoulds." He may not have come up with it originally, but I'm making the rules here dammit, and I say he did. Now piss off.
What this refers to, in essence, is the idea that you come across among the most fundamental believers. The idea that you "should" be a certain way, "should" behave a certain way, "should" think, act, eat, dress, speak, grieve, sleep, marry, choose, decide, fucking LIVE a certain way. Any single point of view about anything in the world can be backed up with scripture (very often in a convincing manner) if you look hard enough. This is because of that fact that the Bible is allowed to be interpreted. If I'm allowed to let the Holy Ghost speak through his word however he sees fit, then it's not limited to it's literal interpretation, but can be bend, molded, shaped for my own personal understanding. This doesn't mean that they Bible itself changes, but that the Holy Spirit can just draw my attention to something in the way that friends might reference some inside joke, one to another, by focusing on something specific that makes sense only to them.
Now multiply this by 2.1 billion and you have the number of possible interpretations of a given verse.
This is not a blog post about the lunacy of personal revelation however, so we'll simply take this as a given for now.
That means you can have 2,099,999,999 different opinions about what you should be doing with your time right this second. All justified in scripture. All claiming divine revelation from an immutable, all knowing, never contradicting God.
The average Christian deals with this on a much smaller scale of course, but spend any amount of time in a church and you'll run into a few strong willed people who have a better idea of how to live your life than you do. That's all it takes. Grow up around enough of these self righteous know-it-alls and you will find yourself living quite aggressively under the Tyrannical Should.
It can quite often substitute itself for your own thoughts and reasoning. It can quite easily become your autopilot whenever you need or have trained it to do so. It's like you have an incessant nagging voice that questions your every move and makes you doubt even the most obvious assertions. It's a voice that micromanages your damn thoughts. Have you ever had a really shitty boss who can't stop correcting your every action? Now give them access to your mind and take them around with you 24 hours a day. That's the Tyrannical Should cackling in a Should-like way at every free-willed impulse that 'sinfully' creeps out of your choices.
Granted, this is based on my own experiences and it's quite likely that some Christians have no idea what I'm talking about. I say likely...I don't mean it though.
So, needless to say, the Tyrannical Should is not a burden easily cast aside. It has hold of your very impulse control, it knows you would shirk it and berates you ahead of time. It takes a great deal of motivation and will power to learn to resist such a force, but it is not impossible.
So this has been my battle. I embrace Science, reject the church, but that nagging impulse would not be silenced. It requires no evidence, no reason, no logic for it stems from brute emotional prowess. It knows every button to press, every arm to twist, every shoulder to pin. It cannot be out-emotioned, but one must train oneself to ignore it. To let said malicious call fall upon deaf ears as often as it sounds. Like a crying child who rejects his bedtime, a harsh passive resistance is the only method of any measurable efficiency.
The Should would prevent you from changing your mind, from exploring new contradictory ideas, from testing, from trying, from growing. It would have you as you are until you are not at all. It casts doubt, confusion, guilt, shame, insecurity and greatest of all, Fear. It may not be a very good motivator, but it is an excellent Achilles Heel.
It is a hard fucking thing to leave behind your childhood beliefs. Tooth, nail and claw to the very end. It's like the ocean, high tides and low tides, undertow and surface current. You believed yourself to be in a boat, weathering the storm and suddenly found it to be a sinking raft. Hurled into the dark, cold waters and left to fend for yourself. Your Captain, it turns out, was imagined. He offers no hand, no guiding light, no lifesaver, no help. You must swim and tread water, and float and breathe and sink and swim all on your own. The direction is unclear, there is no way you "should" go, there is only where you are. Occasionally the clouds break and the moon grants brief insight, but just as quickly they seal themselves and leave you to your quandary.
No one is able to help, if they did, you would learn nothing. You would suffer less and your reward, understanding, knowledge and enlightenment would remain out of reach. You must endure, be hurled to the shore and ripped back out to sea. This is life, this is the instability of true understanding, of true knowledge. Storms come and go, but you never cease to float until you drown. You swim one way then another, never certain, but desiring certainty does not make it exist.
I'm firm in my decision, I'm just splashing all the way there.
So, as I struggle with my new found lack of belief, I find myself to be for some reason in a hurry to arrive. It doesn't seem to matter how often I remind myself that the struggle is it's own reward, I nevertheless want it to be perpetually behind me. Total complacency is truly the most sought after hell.
So, I've spent a lot of time up to this point fighting to free myself of religion's shackles. Shackles is an entirely appropriate term here. If you think I'm overstating it, then you've clearly never tried to leave a religion.
One of my favorite targets while still within the holy walls was something my dad termed "The Tyranny of the Shoulds." He may not have come up with it originally, but I'm making the rules here dammit, and I say he did. Now piss off.
What this refers to, in essence, is the idea that you come across among the most fundamental believers. The idea that you "should" be a certain way, "should" behave a certain way, "should" think, act, eat, dress, speak, grieve, sleep, marry, choose, decide, fucking LIVE a certain way. Any single point of view about anything in the world can be backed up with scripture (very often in a convincing manner) if you look hard enough. This is because of that fact that the Bible is allowed to be interpreted. If I'm allowed to let the Holy Ghost speak through his word however he sees fit, then it's not limited to it's literal interpretation, but can be bend, molded, shaped for my own personal understanding. This doesn't mean that they Bible itself changes, but that the Holy Spirit can just draw my attention to something in the way that friends might reference some inside joke, one to another, by focusing on something specific that makes sense only to them.
Now multiply this by 2.1 billion and you have the number of possible interpretations of a given verse.
This is not a blog post about the lunacy of personal revelation however, so we'll simply take this as a given for now.
That means you can have 2,099,999,999 different opinions about what you should be doing with your time right this second. All justified in scripture. All claiming divine revelation from an immutable, all knowing, never contradicting God.
The average Christian deals with this on a much smaller scale of course, but spend any amount of time in a church and you'll run into a few strong willed people who have a better idea of how to live your life than you do. That's all it takes. Grow up around enough of these self righteous know-it-alls and you will find yourself living quite aggressively under the Tyrannical Should.
It can quite often substitute itself for your own thoughts and reasoning. It can quite easily become your autopilot whenever you need or have trained it to do so. It's like you have an incessant nagging voice that questions your every move and makes you doubt even the most obvious assertions. It's a voice that micromanages your damn thoughts. Have you ever had a really shitty boss who can't stop correcting your every action? Now give them access to your mind and take them around with you 24 hours a day. That's the Tyrannical Should cackling in a Should-like way at every free-willed impulse that 'sinfully' creeps out of your choices.
Granted, this is based on my own experiences and it's quite likely that some Christians have no idea what I'm talking about. I say likely...I don't mean it though.
So, needless to say, the Tyrannical Should is not a burden easily cast aside. It has hold of your very impulse control, it knows you would shirk it and berates you ahead of time. It takes a great deal of motivation and will power to learn to resist such a force, but it is not impossible.
So this has been my battle. I embrace Science, reject the church, but that nagging impulse would not be silenced. It requires no evidence, no reason, no logic for it stems from brute emotional prowess. It knows every button to press, every arm to twist, every shoulder to pin. It cannot be out-emotioned, but one must train oneself to ignore it. To let said malicious call fall upon deaf ears as often as it sounds. Like a crying child who rejects his bedtime, a harsh passive resistance is the only method of any measurable efficiency.
The Should would prevent you from changing your mind, from exploring new contradictory ideas, from testing, from trying, from growing. It would have you as you are until you are not at all. It casts doubt, confusion, guilt, shame, insecurity and greatest of all, Fear. It may not be a very good motivator, but it is an excellent Achilles Heel.
It is a hard fucking thing to leave behind your childhood beliefs. Tooth, nail and claw to the very end. It's like the ocean, high tides and low tides, undertow and surface current. You believed yourself to be in a boat, weathering the storm and suddenly found it to be a sinking raft. Hurled into the dark, cold waters and left to fend for yourself. Your Captain, it turns out, was imagined. He offers no hand, no guiding light, no lifesaver, no help. You must swim and tread water, and float and breathe and sink and swim all on your own. The direction is unclear, there is no way you "should" go, there is only where you are. Occasionally the clouds break and the moon grants brief insight, but just as quickly they seal themselves and leave you to your quandary.
No one is able to help, if they did, you would learn nothing. You would suffer less and your reward, understanding, knowledge and enlightenment would remain out of reach. You must endure, be hurled to the shore and ripped back out to sea. This is life, this is the instability of true understanding, of true knowledge. Storms come and go, but you never cease to float until you drown. You swim one way then another, never certain, but desiring certainty does not make it exist.
I'm firm in my decision, I'm just splashing all the way there.
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