How Could I Fall Away?

I am an atheist. I once was a Christian. Atheism is defined as someone who "lacks a belief in a god." It is not a definitive statement on god's existence, because no one can know such a thing. Rather it is simply the absence of a belief that others share. Much in the way that many of us are atheists about the Roman gods, or little green men, or Baal. It's not saying for sure they don't exist, but perhaps a bit presumptuous, we do feel we have a pretty good idea.

I'm pretty sure Invisible Pink Unicorns aren't real either.

 I spend quite a lot of my time these days thinking on religious and spiritual things. Initially, Atheism was a very hard first step, like pulling a boot of the mud. How could I turn my back on something that was such an enormous part of my life? What would people say? What would my family say? Surely I would become the gossip of the month among some of my former circles. People would no doubt speculate, draw baseless conclusions about my motivations, lose respect for me, rule me irrelevant to their lives, condemn criticize. After all, this was the community where I grew up, they walked me through some difficult times (and created some of their own).

How do you leave all you've ever known for something you've always shunned?

It's hard not to see myself with those eyes of old, as the straying sinner, the rebellious intellectual, the defiant, blind, faithless atheist. This is how I used to see people like myself. I was so critical of change, of people who doubted and acted on those doubts. I would say "How can someone do that? how can they have been so deeply in and still fall out?"  Needless to say, I don't really consider that a mystery anymore.

Even The Fray Fall Away.

How could I fall away?

It's damn near impossible to pinpoint the transition, but there were certainly some major factors involved, all of them personal, most of them internal.

I was extremely gung-ho about Christianity. It was the only source of truth. It was needed by all. It brought hope, salvation, light, love that the world could not offer. It was founded on a Rock and could not be destroyed. It promised an all knowing, all loving, all wise creator who knew the intimate details of my heart and did not judge me, but accepted me as I was (depending on the age of the testament). It was so wonderful, and so right, so overwhelmingly apparent. Who would reject it?

Well, in short, me. Or rather, people exactly like me. People who prefer to think for themselves, to question what they're instructed, to doubt what cannot be shown. I've always questioned things, as long as I can remember, though admittedly, never quite as vigorously as I do at the present. It was like I had that nagging voice that would go, "wait, you what? You heard God say what? That seems an awful lot like what you wanted him to say" or "Is that what this verse means really? How are you so sure?" or in later times, "Exactly what is this particular belief based on? I haven't read about it in the Bible" to "Well, what is any of this based on? Who was the original trustworthy source?"

I've talked a lot about these types of questions. The doubts that lead to greater doubts that lead to rejecting the faith. But if you haven't experienced these doubts yourself, or were never religious in the first place, then it may be hard to understand them.

So, think of it like a dam. Christianity sees itself very often in this way. They stand in the way of the river that is the World. The world would have things free of morality and standards and would simply run a muck with their cocks out while Christians keep things righteous and pleasing to God. It's much easier to understand if you realize that it's an us versus them mentality. It's about taking a side, not so much about seeking the truth. It's about resisting the flow of the water, remaining firm, unflinching, decided. There's no room for wishy-washy thinking, you are either committed or you're out because, dammitall, this is war.

Go ahead. Ask him if God exists.

If it's war, then you can't have soldiers questioning their senior officers decisions. You can't attack the beliefs of your government or your country, not while you're fighting. That's peace time talk, and when you're a Christian, there is no peace time. Urgency clouds judgment as all souls must be shown the light and quickly before the clock strikes zero. No one wants blood on their hands (unless it belongs to an atheist). There is no time to quibble over intricate philosophical or doctrinal differences, what matters is that people need to be saved. Can the existence of Jesus be proved? Well, reasonably enough for some. It doesn't really matter. People simply need to get to know Him and that's it. Who cares if the actual history is there? That would be like asking for the schematics of umbrellas before guarding yourself from the rain. Just use it already.

This is key to understanding my "fall" and, no doubt, the fall of others. I wouldn't use that word, I would use awakening, or discovery, enlightenment, or something of that sort.

If you stop buying into the urgency and realize that you want to be able to defend your beliefs, then come the questions. Digging leads not to answers, but to more digging and eventually you're through to the other side with naught to show but tired arms. Losing urgency was the first crack in the dam.

Next we have the inconsistency. Many people have a pretty good idea of what Christianity is about, what it means, and what the rules are. But put them in a room and ask them to come up with a list and you'll likely come back to find broken friendships, damaged trust and above all, disagreement. They tend to agree on some of the main points (Jesus sacrifice meant salvation) but then disagree on who exactly benefits from this. Is it a once and for all type of deal or must it be renewed with each transgression? Does it apply to babies or people mentally incapable of understanding? What about remote tribes who never hear? What about genuinely good people? Is it about works or isn't it? Even Paul and James couldn't agree on this point. This is just on the core principle, if you dare to wade into the waters of baptism, communion, morality, you're in for a very exhausting and ultimately unconvincing trip.

Everyone has their own justifications for any belief they hold sacred. There is always a verse that can be bent around anything. The same exact verse can mean two opposite things to two separate people. And yet, even disagreeing on core beliefs, they will still both call themselves Christians and more often than not, will reject the other persons brand of faith. They are misinformed, rebellious, ignorant, etc.

As described in the letters of Paul.

"You need to go to the Greek or the Hebrew" they say. Well, this is hardly an argument in favor of Christians. After all, if Christ wants everyone (even though they may not), then why not present the message in a way that transcends language? Why forsake the followers that come about after the Greek and Hebrew are no longer spoken? This either seems an incredible lack of foresight from an omniscient being, or implies that it was crafted by people who did not know the future and thus did not account for changing times and cultures. Or maybe there's a third option about how we got it wrong. Or maybe a fourth option that speculates further.

The point of all this is this: nobody knows. There is too much debate and no absolute standard for the truth. Nothing to measure beliefs against. The Bible can be interpreted, the believers can project their own sentiments, the ancients may not have allowed for modern times. Inconsistency is the second crack in the dam.

You don't really need more than one crack, and when you have two as large as these, it's really just a matter of time. Once you lose trust in your faith, you're just treading water until the damn dam breaks.

But there is another crack, which is more like dynamite. This is the crack of incompatibility.

Incompatibility with science. Incompatibility with human nature. Incompatibility with common sense.

There could be an entirely separate blog on this topic alone. (Indeed there are. Plenty.) But the real death knell of my faith came when I started to delve further into Skepticism.

Skepticism is not a position, as some believe. It is not simply saying no to any belief that is suggested. It's not refusing to see, refusing to acknowledge because it doesn't make sense to me. It's a method of obtaining the truth. It goes hand in hand with the Scientific method. It's about ruling out every other explanation before you proclaim something proved. It's about not accepting something because you want it to be true, or because many people already believe it. It's about accepting conclusions that are necessarily true and making no assumptions along the way.

Religion is, understandably, devoid of skepticism for the most part. There is the wandering question here and there, but press too hard and you'll meet antagonistic resistance. Not from all, indeed some people are more than happy to explain their positions, but even their truth has a point where evidence stops and assumptions begin. There is simply no getting around it. They call it faith. I call it guessing.

The overwhelming (this is the correct adjective) evidence for evolution, for an old earth, for an entirely natural universe squashes faith and most religious beliefs on these topics like an elephant a mouse. Even more so, because even a mouse offers some resistance. It's more akin to anything squashing a nothing. If this concept can even be imagined. Even air isn't good enough, because there are still pesky molecules in the way. There is literally zero evidence in favor of a young earth and all the rest of the world points to an old earth. So either God is a crafty bastard, or creationist read too much into the text.

 
Losing urgency, inconsistency, incompatibility. You've done busted yer dam. No foundation, no universal morality, no absolute truth (there are some, but no single all encompassing absolute). When you realize, when it dawns on you, that you've been holding onto nothing, then not only is it easy to let go, but you, by definition, already have.

I fell away because I discovered it wasn't real. It took some time, some internal battles, some pride, some resistance, but ultimately logical thinking won out.

Thank God for that, at least.