Life without After

As I depart further from the christian faith, I can't help but take time to mourn the loss of certain particularly appealing superstitions. It was hard enough realizing that my friendship with Jesus was imagined, that there is no sentient all knowing person watching over and guiding me. But I would say that one of the hardest remains losing Heaven.

Heaven was supposed to be such a glorious and fantastic place. Full of awesome, terrific and calorie free cookies. There was talk of mansions, and gold paved streets (not sure what gold matters in heaven, but apparently that's cool even there), and seeing all your former loved ones, except they would be perfect and faultless.

Plus Jesus would be there. You'd finally get to meet face to face. He'd stand you in a line and say good job or sort of breath through his teeth while reading your crimes and send you toward door number two.

Well done, my good and faithful servant. That was a phrase I was longing to hear. To get that final and official nod of approval from the big man who I'd served diligently in spite of evidence, reason and general common sense.

Even as I moved away from God, the church, the old belief system, there was always that understood element of the after life. After all, I was still a christian, I just didn't congregate or take anyone's word for anything, but there was still heaven. Then the runaway logic train broke through that final wall. Heaven too is part of the myth.

That means there will be no eternity. No everlasting joy. No jumping and laughing all day every day. No mansions, no gold streets and no final approval from the big man. That's a hell of a thing to let go of, but in the face of reality, it's not a choice, just a result. If there can be no evidence of heaven, not even eye witness testimony, then where in the world did that idea come from? It can only have been from the imagination of mankind. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. Every description of heaven is from the perspective of an ideal earth. No sin, no violence, no sadness. These are all earthly worries and concerns, why would heaven only be measurable in these terms unless it was created and processed through the filter of someone on earth. Since no one comes back from the dead, then there can be no knowledge of heaven. There could be one of course, but the odds of it being like anyone has guessed are pretty slim.

Someone pointed out to me a rather interesting thing, however. If heaven is where we all become perfect, with no shame, no pain, no sadness and none of the things that makes us feel that way, then what is there left of what makes us human and lovable. If we remove all of our flaws and everything flawed about us, then what is left of the people we know and the things we love about them. What separates us from each other if not the quirks of our personalities. If those quirks are missing, then how fucking boring must heaven be if we're just singing all the time. Can the concept of a perfect community even exist? Isn't it a paradox by nature? If everyone is perfect then where is the give and take? What can you talk about since you would all have the same opinion and be able to perfectly articulate it and perfectly understand it? What's the point of communication when there is nothing new to say? What's the point of pleasing a Jesus when everyone there doesn't care about your accomplishments because you're all equal?

Is that a place I'd really like to be? Where no one is as I remember them and I can't do anything due to paradox?

Maybe it's not such a hard thing to let go of after all.

Then again...